To Do: Don't Create a To-Do List

It's a little surreal going from daily structure to absolutely no structure what-so-ever.  All within one week I was discharged from physical therapy and wrapped up a masters degree.  Dude.  Those were the only two things I had that kept me grounded and not a complete recluse.  My day was structured around things like the 3 hours of physical therapy, rewriting papers, and reading insane volumes of texts with ideas that made my head explode.  

Initially I was a little concerned about my unstructured, but task focused time in the fall.  I figured it all out employing some old grade school tricks of the trade.  Read - reward self with playing Wii - go to physical therapy - throw ball for Edgar - remember to eat lunch at 3:00 because you are so grumpy - write paper - think about dinner somewhere around 7:00.  This was pretty much my life.  Intersperse that with doctors appointments, Oprah, random spurts of household chores, web browsing and phone calls and literally that was it.  It was actually pretty challenging, truth be told, when I was on all of those medications.  Once I was free of pain meds, the "routine" began to feel like a scam.  My husband was out everyday making a living and I was writing about emotional intelligence and leadership development.  I didn't feel like I was holding up my end of the bargain.  Because I began to feel better in the late winter/early spring I thought about doing more, but by then we had landed the gig in Wisconsin.  No point in looking for a job in Boston if you are going to move.  Call it rationalization or just plain reality.  

I'm one of those people who likes to be busy.  I never did downtime very well.  I don't fall asleep easily at night because I'm thinking too much.  I structured my weekends with gardening or a weekly ritual of cleaning.  When I had my appendicitis in 2004 I went back to work early because I was so bored.  Most people look forward to time off; I volunteered for extra shifts.  It wasn't until I dated my husband did I understand what downtime was.  He was perfectly ok with meandering through a Sunday in his pajamas doing whatever struck his fancy.  I was raised that if you were still in bed or your pj's at 10:00 AM, you were wasting the day.  I type this now as I'm still in my pj's and it's 4:30.  However, I did swiffer the floors, made mortgage decisions, and call for eye doctor appointments.  Small victories here.  Tiny, in fact.

Last night I realized how much I really don't like being alone with myself.  I get pretty anxious and start to figure out ways I can fill up that unused time into productive activities I can cross off a to-do list.  All of my structured unstructured time is a very good way of distracting myself.  If I'm preoccupied I don't have to really figure out what is bothering me.  There may be some dark stuff down there that I'm not really sure I want to face.  I can just say I'm too busy.  This week I'm doing an experiment of trying to fall asleep naturally and not put a lot of "shoulds" on my "to-do" list.  I feel pretty guilty to tell you the truth.  

Intellectually I put a lot of double binds on myself:  damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I should clean.  I should pack.  I shouldn't over-do it physically.  I should be in tune with my body for knowing when I am on the verge of over-doing it.  I should allow myself to relax and do nothing.  I shouldn't feel guilty if I actually succeed at doing nothing.  No matter what I do, or don't do, I have a solid reason/justification for beating myself up.  I know its not healthy.  I get it.  It's a habit and I've got it down to perfection.  I haven't used my journal in a while because I noticed that while I felt better after I got everything on paper, it all looked very negative from a birds eye view.  

This month has a lot of unstructured time and a lot of things to do...in moderation.  I'm not one for moderation either, but I need to learn how to embrace it.  I learned how to tune out my body's signals at a very young age.  As an athlete you push through the pain to move past the plateau.  Do this for a number of years and you wind up with two knee surgeries by the time you are 17.  I think I mentioned in a previous post that only once my back pain was gone did I notice how much pain I had been in.  That's how out of tune I am.  In order to be discharged I had to promise I wouldn't move any boxes and stop if I became fatigued.  Became fatigued?  How will I know that?  I mean, seriously?  This is the girl who can't figure out why she's so irritated, running into walls, and feeling fat every 3 weeks or so.  Typically her husband has to remind her to go look at the calendar.  It's not rocket science, its just endocrinology.  

My game plan for this month is to try to learn how to give myself grace.  But you know what will be difficult?  Trying NOT to put that on a to-do list.