Reciprocity and Generosity

The whole concept of gifts is one where I personally struggle. There is a certain etiquette and decorum about a finely fashioned gift that begs the question: is it about the gifter or the receiver? It also makes me wonder where and how expectations get placed.

I know I've brought this subject up before in older posts, but background information is always key in understanding context. Growing up, my family culture had striking differences between my paternal and maternal sides. The maternal side usually had larger budgets for the daughters and grandchildren, but the spouses always appeared as an afterthought. I didn't recognize this when I was younger, but as a married woman I can now sympathize with what my Dad experienced. There is a striking message as your wife opens up gifts of expensive jewelry and you get socks. After awhile a request of socks and underwear as a present seems appropriate because at least you aren't going to be disappointed. So sad, but so true.

On my paternal side, the couple was recognized in a mutual joint gift and everyone got the same thing. On one of our last Christmases with my grandparents, my parents were absolutely ecstatic with a dolly. You know, the kind movers use to wheel around heavy boxes. Seriously. Ecstatic. I get it. But then again I love presents that are either completely practical or completely indulgent. The siblings on my paternal side also extended the small remembrances for everyone that didn't have to be elaborate, but made sure you were acknowledged and important. I still love the homemade chocolate dipped fortune cookies, The Dog calendars, and whatever glam fun I got from my cousin. Gifts for all of the dogs are also included, which makes my heart sing.

I realize I am not the most consistent gifter, which is difficult to acknowledge. Honestly it depends upon my wealth status as to what I can do, which I realize is a universal truth for everyone. One year I was able to bring everyone bottles of wine. That felt great. I also realize how important it is for nieces and nephews to be remembered. It always meant a lot to me when I got something from my aunts and uncles. I have to say that J and I aren't really great about this since we've been out of SLC with our own niece and nephew. Birthdays come and go in the time warp continuum and I typically beat myself up about forgetting them. So when I receive something in the mail for my birthday from my sister-in-law I feel pretty rotten about accepting it.

On the other hand, what do you do with friends who are also as flaky as you are in the gifting department? One year you get an amazing package and then years go by without birthday or Christmas remembrances even though you send things to them. Do you stop giving them gifts? Or other friends who are so consistent and you are the flaky one? Or what do you do with gifts that are so extravagant there is nothing you can do that would seem fair (a cookbook can't compare to diamond earrings)? Another dilemma is the gift that says, "I don't know who you are," or, "This is really all about me," or "You are an afterthought"? I've experienced all of these scenarios and I'm still at a loss of what to do about them.

I'm all about fairness when it comes to gifts. I'm also all about making sure the other person feels recognized for their uniqueness. When I give gifts, they are 100% from the heart and typically very well thought out. My one exception was last Christmas when I was in my fuzzy haze and sent family notecards to a girlfriend of mine who didn't take her husband's last name. That was a big faux pas. I know I made other mistakes last year in gifting and cards albeit with the greatest of intentions.

The last hurdle is giving things to your spouse. Is it really a gift when you are essentially using "our" money? Hard to surprise them with a luxurious gift and always wonder in the back of your mind if they will question the cost rationale. Or do you really believe them when they say, "Don't get me anything"? Anniversaries and Valentines are especially tough. One person gives something from the heart and the other comes up empty handed.

Gifts should equally reflect the giver and receiver in my idealistic view. It should say something about the relationship like a common interest or acknowledging that you really heard them when they mentioned they liked something specific. Although this seems simple, it is really quite difficult upon execution. If it wasn't, there wouldn't be a need for a post like this one. But, that is, I suppose, my gift to you.