When I Grow Up...

In grade school, recess was one of my most anxiety producing times. I was always worried that I wouldn't get picked to play with. I was actually one of the most popular girls when I went to private school, and yet, there were times when I would ask, "Do you want to play?" and the huddle of other girls would whisper and then tell me, "No." I have to say that on some of the days I was part of that huddle telling others we didn't want to play with them too. It was a crushing experience. What factors made me play-worthy? Why didn't they like me today but yesterday I was cool? When I switched to public school this really didn't get much better. Now I didn't need to ask if I could play with others; it was just understood that the Mormons played with the Mormons and the non-Mormons played with the other non-Mormons. It didn't matter if it was Tuesday or the moon was full; kids are just plain mean.

As I got older I watched groups sort out into cliques. There were the preppies, the jocks, the nerds, the popular crowd, and the misfits. People were judged by what they liked, who they were with, what they did. Even when I joined a sorority I found that this larger clique had subgroups. Gossip, stealing boyfriends, spreading rumors, and alienating others were common occurances. I skipped my 4th year in the sorority just to avoid the drama. When were people going to grow up? Perhaps never.

Its amazing how the coping skills of fourth grade kick in even when you are middle aged. I had two friends decline to come to my wedding last September because they felt like an afterthought. They had their own huddle and then wrote me mean emails telling me that they wouldn't come because they received their invitation later than others. In all reality, it was the bride and grooms fault for not being more organized and just sending them out as they were getting addresses vs. in one lump. However, the email alone ended with a line about how now I could invite someone more popular because they wouldn't be coming. Its been 7 months and I'm still hurt. Of course other friends told me that I wouldn't want friends like that anyway. Somehow, it doesn't make it sting less.

When I was in the first grade, my class put on a production of "The Wizard of Oz." Every little girl wanted to be Dorothy. The head huddle pusher on the playground was cast as the star and I became a munchkin. However, she was my "best friend" so I supported her in the role. I was actually grateful not being cast in the end as she had so many lines and had to be in front of the audience alone. Recently, I had a good friend get a job that I thought perhaps one day I would be in. I actually encouraged her to apply. She got it and although it stung just a little bit, I know that she really will do an exceptional job in that role. My job as a supportive friend is one of the most important roles I can play. What would have been worse is for me to have told her to not take the chance because I was selfish. Its like having your best friend in high school tell you to not try out for cheerleader because you aren't pretty enough or your round-off isn't as good as it should be and then they secretly sneak in their name into the ballot. That is crushing and not at all what a friend does.

Recently my father had a round of hang-ups/redials with a sibling. My father is 55. Honestly, when I heard this I just laughed. Why in the world would two grown, adult, mature men engage in this type of power struggle? They were arguing over time spent with Dad and a guitar. Attention and stuff. Its the same things they probably fought over when they were little. Will my brother and I be doomed to drawing the same invisible lines down the middle of the backseat of the car daring them not to cross it, "or else?"

We may be graduates of high school, but it seems that adults are still not above giving each other wet willies and spreading rumors that so-and-so has cooties. No gives.