The Concept of Family; Redefined

Nothing like a good month of life altering events to raise the emotions in a family. A death and now a wedding. My brother and his fiance are days away from the "I do's."

I remember being this close to my wedding and honestly, I wasn't that panicked. I was more concerned about the details and things going right. A bunch of wasted energy, truly, as things still went wrong no matter how much time I spent worrying about them. But, emotions run high.

After returning from Ginny's farewell, both J and I spent a good portion of our time playing creative finances to see how we could fund the plane fare to get me back to Salt Lake over Pioneer weekend. No matter how we flipped the budget, it just isn't in the cards for us. Perhaps I was dreaming a bit thinking it was even possible. Living on one salary that doesn't kick in until the end of the month, a rent payment that outweighs the SLC mortgage, and all of the moving expenses has its challenges. I find myself counting change for bus fare, coasting down hills without A/C in the car to improve gas mileage, and packing J lunch just to save a few dollars. I couldn't tell you the last time I went to Starbucks.

I dreaded telling my family that I wasn't going to make it...especially my brother. It went as well (0r as poorly) as it could be expected. I haven't spoken to him since my dreaded phone call. Honestly I'm afraid of the intensified guilt I would feel talking to him. I also don't know if he would even take my call.

I feel good about my decision on a rational level, but I also know come Thursday night about the time of the rehearsal dinner I'll feel waves of sadness that will intensify by the time of their nuptials on Friday. That's pretty damn natural. My parents spent a lot of their energy instilling the value that family comes first. For a marriage that has lasted over 35 years, I think they've done a pretty good job. What a shift to realize that instinctively your concept of family shifts to your partnership quite quickly. I would do anything to fiercely protect J and the success of my marriage. I'm honored that he chose to be my family.

I'm thrilled that my brother found someone who loves and values him. You can see how much he adores her too. When you are with them, its tangible. Perhaps my absence during their wedding is a larger message about family, the success of values, and faith in marriage. I may be physically absent during their wedding, but it certainly isn't a statement about my belief and support for their marriage.