The Role of Families, Villages, and Possibilities

I have to say that one of my personal heroes is my cousin. She has gone through amazing personal battles and let the world into her history as her own nuclear family develops. It takes true courage to be that raw and honest. It's a battle our whole family faces, genetically and socially: addiction.

When I began this project of blogging, Joey and I would email one another pretty consistently. I first used this forum as a way of making sense of the world from the gifts and baggage everyone inherits from their family. I just found mine to be particularly humorous. She struggled with how much personal stuff does one release into the world? A couple of years after we wrestled with this topic via email to find personal balance, she was published in a major Eastern newspaper. The story was intensely intimate about her struggle with addiction and debating if you explain it to your child. I was in awe of her bravery.

Don't get me wrong; my blog has caused its own share of problems within my family. I figure you have to laugh at times otherwise it just becomes too painful. I don't think that my family is all that different from others; I just choose to put it "out there." No one is really supposed to put it "out there," and yet there is a slew of people who relate to it. Why? Because it's familiar, duh. Like it or not, addiction touches everyone in some way or fashion.

I find I cannot write about myself in isolation. I wasn't raised all by myself. Families play a huge part. They shape how you view the world and give a baseline for what is normal. Stories about my family of origin waxes and wanes through my entries. I'm still trying to find what is a comfortable balance. When I share it is typically a humorous story. The painful ones typically live in my head as third party dialogues which might make a suitable screenplay one day. In fact, one of the signs I'm not coping well is when I begin to write scripts in my head. I never intend to hurt my loved ones with my shared stories. I do intend to make people laugh a little and feel a little less isolated in their own experiences. I find I do that pretty well. One scene I particularly relate to is in the trailer of Spanglish between Cloris Leachman and Tea Leone. There can be humor.

As my husband and I begin our process of departing Boston, we realize we're entering a new chapter of our lives. One that may or may not involve children of our own. Nothing like a good family of origin trigger than considering birthing your own. Well, that and having my Mom deal with her knee surgery with painkillers and wine. It makes me consider my boundaries once again with my family. It also causes one to take serious self-inventory of potentially scary patterns. Example of inner dialogue: "Do I have addictive personality traits? How are they triggered? How are they controlled? Am I using all or nothing / black and white thinking? Oh my God, THAT ALONE is a trait of addictive thinking!" I've been reassured a number of times that I'm nowhere near addiction, and yet a certain unsubstantiated anxiety exists. I'm certain I'm driving J and my therapist nuts.

One of the big considerations of starting a family for J and I is the proximity to our families for support. Most of my girlfriends live near family - to which all rely on quite a bit for support. There are others who have family relatively close, but for one reason or another they are not as active in their lives. I realize it's possible to have children near or far away from family and still get the support you need from other sources.

It's been almost a year since I've seen my Dad and brother. It wasn't a happy visit due to Ginny's death. And yes, there was a lot of alcohol involved. I remember at that time talking to my parents and letting them know that if they choose to keep their lifestyle the same, they should be aware they will not see their grandchildren after 5:00 P.M.. My mother immediately said that she would change. My father simply said that I need to do what I need to do, which was fine by him. It was heartbreaking.

I grew up in a family where literally we were raised by the village. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even elderly neighbors played a HUGE role. There were sleepovers and family dinners, all of which will not happen for my children with their maternal side. It makes visiting family even more difficult when you are out of state. The 5:00 rule appears unenforceable when you are staying at each other's respective houses. At least if we lived in the same city, J and I could take our children home when cocktail hour begins to spin. I'm beyond trying to control their consumption. I did that in junior high by pouring $40 worth of gin down the drain purposefully on a Saturday night, knowing the liquor stores would be closed on Sunday. All I can control now is what I choose to expose my own personal family to and by giving my parents informed decision making power. (Some would say this is rationalization, but the purpose is strikingly different.)

This upcoming move has caused a lot to come into focus which also yields a lot of grief. I don't grieve what I have in my family relationships. I grieve what I wish I could have had. How would things be different if the bottle wasn't involved? I love my family dearly. I just wish I could have more of them.