Who Am I and What Have You Done With Me?

"In search for your destiny, you will often find yourself obliged to change direction."
(The Fifth Mountain ~ Paulo Coehlo)

This past week has been rough. Ok, "rough," doesn't begin to cover the truth. That makes it sound like I've been frolicking about fields of daisies with friendly elves and bunnies compared to what it has really been like. The toll of all of my losses have begun to accumulate and weigh heavily: the loss of my professional identity and belief that I was a solid professional when I left my job from hell, the loss of two of extremely close and influential grandparents, the loss of a home and space I loved that represented happiness, the loss of yet another career momentum and direction, the loss of an anticipated job offer, the loss of staying connected to family of origin through important rituals like weddings... Granted, several of these are self-inflicted through choices, but they are losses none-the-less. When one is faced with so many losses it is easy to find your perspective shifted unconsciously from expecting happy doors to open to simply pure dread and anticipating when the next shoe will drop.

That perspective changes the way you view the world. All of a sudden life is not filled with opportunity, but instead isolation. It is not a pleasant way to exist. It brings everything under a microscope to be questioned, examined, and calls for judgement to take place. In this past week I have questioned my purpose in life, my true desires, my own limitations, my marriage, and even my own will.

After my last post with failure being out in the open, I wrote to mentors and friends asking for a different perspective on the latest loss and being rejected. I shared my sorrow, my hopelessness, my grief, and self-scorn. One wrote, "Job, Shmob. Something is trying to find you and it wasn't that job. Yeah, I know, easy for me to say. But I do have to look at your life and see that the universe is helping you to shift your focus. You're right that a career is different than a job, but sometimes, it's "just a job" that shows you something new about yourself." At times I forget that just as much as I'm trying to find my destiny, my destiny is also trying to find me. It was a blissful reminder.

Others reminded me that while it may seem like a failure now, it opened up doors and awareness I didn't have before. It would have been a short term solution, but may have perpetuated a long term problem. "Problem" being not being 100% clear about my intention and life desires. Going along blissfully in ignorance is not a solution. And not knowing what you want is a massive problem. I am able to tell you what I don't want better than what I do want. I have ideas, but no lines in the sand or force. Furthermore, I feel so deserted its hard for me to muster my strength and will anything. I worry that anything I put on the table right now as a potential solution is just a band-aid. Its like putting a band-aid on someone who needs a kidney transplant.

My friends and family have been my best allies. It is clear how much they love me and want me to be happy. They don't want me to lose who I am and compromise what I hold dear. They rage at the thought of me selling myself short and compromising too much. I think that the problem is right now, I don't know who I am or what it will take for me to be happy. They have been my fierce cheerleaders, advisors, and sounding boards. I am so lucky to have them.

Its ironic that my presentation I gave at the job interview was on managing transitions. Change may be the physical situation, but transition is the psychological adjustment to the change. People have no problem with change; its the transition people resist. All beginnings start with endings. Endings must be grieved. I must be on the verge of a lot of beginnings, then, because the losses are swallowing me whole.

I can imagine I've been a nightmare to live with. Hell, I haven't liked living with me this past week either and I can't exactly leave me. I'm certain my conversations have been filled with projections: accusing decisions are being made through fear, wondering where the strength is in our vows to get through this, anger and rage about compromise and purposefully inflicting loss, insolence about violated plans (not agreements or commitments, just plans), accusations of selfishness. I will not discredit me solely; I believe there is validity and truth to what I ask and perceive as well. If it looks like a duck and talks like a duck then it is a duck. I'm certain I have acted as the crazy woman perfectly this week. Crazy isn't the right word: grief stricken is 100% accurate.