Progress = Pain?

So what I can say is that the railings look amazing! We finished sanding, primed the suckers, and then laid down the first coat of the drab gray to match the cape cod shingle paint of the house. It took us 7 hours to do it, but like I said, they look amazing! Just in time for the rain to hit tonight.

The bad part is I pulled out my back. Again. Today I was supposed to have spent the morning working in the hospital and then the afternoon with 5 clients. I can't even lift my feet to walk it hurts so much. Sitting is excruciating. And so now I'm back (pun intended) on Vicodin - very lucid, mind you which says something about the pain factor - and lying flat in bed with my knees propped up. Even after taking the Vicodin, I'm still in huge amounts of pain.

I actually tried to go to work this morning. See, that's the thing: when you love your job(s), you really want to be there. My husband watched me attempt to sit at the table for breakfast (while propping myself up with my arms) and smirked. He asked if I really thought I would be able to make it through the day. I thought of me attempting to do therapy while I was lying on the couch in the office, knees propped up, heating pad, and perhaps a ton of Advil on board. Sure, that part could be do-able, although perhaps not very therapeutic to the client. I wouldn't do therapy while on pain pills as that would be extremely unethical. I began to think how I could do my hair without getting in the shower (as that would require me to lift my feet over the tub). The fact that I was considering doing a sponge bath as a work-around, well, that faulty problem solving (although creative) was the final straw that screamed, "You need to call in to work!"

I have a really packed work week ahead of me. This was not the way I wanted to start out. I am very concerned about how I will appear to my peers and bosses. That is one big issue I thought I would get over as I got older: caring about what others think of you. The second issue I have is being limited. I have always been a person to just push through unpleasantness and accomplish anything I put my mind to.

This worked when I was an athlete...until I blew out my knees, but even in my recovery I pushed through it to build strength. Although I probably also developed really bad accommodation skills for my knee pain and now have herniated discs in my back. My husband asked if I was in pain yesterday and when did I recognize it. I remember sucking on my lips to the point that they were chapped and had to go find lip balm around 2:00 PM, but I didn't really register pain until we were finished about 7:00. How I blocked it until then, I'll never know. Although I did have a therapist once tell me that I need to listen to my inner voice a bit more. Cleaning up was brutal.

Then I decided to vacuum. I kind of figured that if I was going to be in pain, I may as well have a clean carpet vs. all of the leaves and dirt tracked in during the deck process. And, I didn't want to inconvenience my husband by asking him to do it because it was bothering me, not him, so I shouldn't put my values onto him. (As I'm typing this I realize how stupid and stubborn it sounds, but it really was my thought pattern last night.)

I'm completely frustrated with my limitations. I just don't believe they should exist and that they are all in my head somehow. I'm not kidding. Last night as I was really starting to recognize the extent of my pain I began to think, "Holy cow its a good thing I don't have a toddler right now because I couldn't pick them up or even a baby right now." See? I do think ahead, but I'm still pretty pissed that my back is in pain and I don't think it has a right to do this. I also start to get scared about the pain meds. Granted, I really need them right now but I get afraid I will get dependent upon them or become an addict. I don't ever ever want to be dependent upon any substance whatsoever.

Taking them and still being in pain makes me wonder about how we, as society, view pain.
Do we really deserve to be 100% out of pain? Isn't pain just part of living? Even the stupid pain scale is subjective. My 8 could be another person's 4. Its all relative and perception is reality. Pain serves a function. I guess my first trick is learning how to recognize it when its still small and doing something about it...which means, accepting my limits and not pushing through it. However, in my mind, that still feels like a failure.