Opportunty for Chaos

I am a terrible poker player. First, I can't remember what beats what and second, I wear every single emotion on my face. I apologize for not writing. I just have so much in limbo and potential variations out there of how my life could go, I'm either afraid I'm going to jinx things or I might reveal my cards too soon.

With Kenya on hold, the variations of the future seem endless. The January crowd was canceled, but they are optimistic that they could be going in February. Given the fact that I just read they had another bloody protest complete with bows/arrows/machetes, well, I'm not so optimistic. Besides, how "safe" does it need to be for us to feel truly safe going? These are all answers no one has yet.

In the meantime, my career is exploding with potential opportunities that may or may not make me happy. However, the money is always tempting as it yields stability. My husband truly wants me to be happy, but the stability factor may win given my values. But with the Kenya thing on hold, how fair is it for me to jump on these opportunities? Can you feel the anguish?!? I can. I feel it every night.

As a matter of fact, I've been having awful nightmares lately. Violent nightmares. The kind where I wake up because I'm trying to push my husband out of the bed or hit him. (Not kidding on this...I've done this 3 nights in a row.) Poor guy is taking his life into his own hands every night he lays down next to me and yet he still doesn't want me in the guest bedroom.

All of my nightmares involve puppies. Someone is trying to run over the puppies, puppies are dying, puppies, puppies, puppies. Enough with the puppies already! Last night I dreamt about the old family ranch house. This isn't a new theme. Typically I have dreams that it is haunted (and it was in reality, but these are really violent scary ghosts not the nice floating lady that frequented the halls and bedrooms). Last night the house was being turned into a hotel and they just ruined the whole thing. What's odd is that we haven't had the ranch house in the family since the late 1980's or so. WTF?

Sometimes life is so crazy we can't even keep our own thoughts straight let alone organize them into a coherent blog entry.