Recapitulating Worries...How Productive!!!

A couple of days ago I pulled out my old journal from a few years ago. My husband asked if he should be concerned as I sat in the bathtub recapitulating the stories and obsessive thoughts that plagued my life like the ghost of Christmas past. I told him not to worry; its really because I'm out of literature and I'm in desperate need of suggestions from my readers!!!

I do tend to do this whole reading of my journals about every two years or so. It helps me take stock of my life, where I was, where I'm going, where I am now. You know, that kind of thing. However, I really should know better by now NOT to do this when I'm in the depths of winter's bleak despair of seasonal affective. Some day I will learn this lesson, but it obviously isn't going to happen in 2008.

What struck me the most is how much energy and brainpower I dedicated to: how do I get this guy to commit? I was freaking out about my life timeline and how to get the show on the road. I was also a humble traditionalist with the nursery rhyme in my head of: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. I wouldn't have it any other way as my Rain man impression would just come out of nowhere and someone would find me rocking in the corner repeating over and over that you must get your underwear from Walmart. I figured in 2005 I had the love part, now damn it, where was that ring? Well, it came and I calmed down considerably.

I found that a lot of my entries were dedicated to the "what if" factor. These are the things that flow over and over in your brain at bedtime. For Example: "What if I'm not married before I'm 32? J wants to have a year engagement. That would mean we have to step things up. Plus, we both want to be married for a while before jumping into the kids thing, but what about my risks during pregnancy? Oh my God, what if we have a NICU baby? What if this kid has some chromosomal disorder or heart problem? What if we have to make a decision about end of life? I'm certain we're an ethics consult waiting to happen. Well, if we're going to have a chromosomal issue, I'd rather have a Down Syndrome kiddo vs. a CP kiddo. Now I know we're a bit skewed because we've both seen a lot of pediatric badness, so really not every kid winds up with spina bifida, but the longer we wait, the more my chances increase....And what about our superstitions of names? All of those strange names are almost predestined for badness. You never see a good old fashioned Jane in the NICU. What names would I rule out?"

Yes, folks, this is what I obsess about.

I found that there were a couple of entries that specifically stated I wanted to start having kids at the age of 32 and be done by 35. Holy cow, well, I already blew that time line as my birthday is in early September...you do the math. J and I have kind of let our lives and the challenges determine when our pregnancies should be targeted on the calendar. For instance, I definitely do not want to be pregnant in Kenya and on anti-malaria drugs. They really need to be out of your system for 3 months before trying. Plus, then the whole fellowship thing. How do you plan moving around trimesters? Good hell, life is complicated!

I have a few girlfriends who are in the various stages of trying for kiddos right now. I know that if you are trying to conceive it would be wise not to have any substances in your system. This means no cold medicine, as few as possible prescriptions, etc.. I didn't really appreciate this until I fell ill two days ago. No Nyquil? Are you kidding me? Drowning in snot for a little one. I suppose it is a good small lesson of the types of sacrifices you face for the rest of your life.

I don't even know how I'll function without my antidepressants and the truth is, I've postponed/avoided scheduling my annual with a new OB for almost 2 years now because I'm worried what they will say about this. If my kiddo has some unknown complication because I was on antidepressants, how will I feel? I suppose it would be better than me not making it through the pregnancy because I was so depressed. All of this scares the living crap out of me.